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Thursday, June 28, 2012

Back to Reality with a Bump

Hard to believe that it has been almost a month since my last post, written almost on the eve of my daughter's wedding.  Well the wedding was beautiful and everyone celebrated  a "love that even time will lie down and be still for."  Here are some pictures from the blessed event -




At the wedding my normally vibrant mother was in a wheelchair.  She had been suffering with incredible pain in her right leg for a few weeks and had gone for blood tests, xrays, etc.  The weekend after the wedding her pain was so debilitating that she headed to emergency to find out some answers or at least get some relief for her pain.  Well after receiving bone scan results we discovered that she was suffering from the effects of Paget's Disease, a chronic bone disease.  The disease had effected her hip and she is now on complete bed rest for six weeks to see if that will help her hip heal.  If this is not effective in arresting the disease she will need to have her hip replaced.  Paget's is actually a fairly rare bone disease that seems to be genetically passed on.  We all have to get tested, my sisters and I especially, as we seem to be experiencing some symptoms of the disease in our own bodies.

Well for the past few days I had been feeling somewhat down, quite blue in fact.  Yesterday seemed to be the culmination of my blue feelings.  I felt like the weight of the world had landed on my chest and could just not shake my feelings.  I tried to figure out what particularly was bothering me...  I am a blessed person.  I have the most amazing husband and family that anyone could ask for.  I had a wonderful childhood and have sisters that I am blessed to be able to say are best friends.  I have amazing friends that I know would seriously contemplate giving up their life for me if the situation warranted it.  What could possibly be bothering me?  My mother is getting care that she needs and is slowly recuperating.  Even the looming Paget's diagnosis for myself was not seen as a bad thing as it would finally give me an answer to all of my various aches and loss of mobility in various bones, muscles, etc.  So just what was "wrong" with me?

On our way out to visit a friend for his birthday celebration, I opened up to my husband, Michel.  I told him just how down I was feeling, etc.  I then proceeded to have a good cry.  I felt like a terrible Stoic, breaking down under the weight that I was feeling.  I then proceeded to think of things that I would like to change in my life...   My weight, lack of motivation, opportunities for musical expression, etc. and realized that I can certainly make my best efforts to mitigate the circumstances.  Even then all of the things that are important to me, most of these things are NOT in my control.

It is the societal pressure of success that was the underlying factor to my depression.  Success as society sees it is the Career (note the capital C) and the Lifestyle.  I am not successful in society's terms as I have no Career and cannot sustain the kind of Lifestyle that we are supposed to want in today's society.  I am a woman, aspiring Stoic, wife, mother, lover, friend, mentor to some, spiritual adviser to others.  All of these roles are WHO I am.

I am living my life as a voyage, a voyage to wonder.  Like a sailboat there will need to be course corrections from time to time when the winds of society threaten to take me off of my course.  Yesterday was a day of course evaluations and now to get back to some corrections to keep me steady as the wind blows.  Destination:  The second star to the right and straight on until morning!

6 comments:

  1. OH Pam,

    YOU of all people are one of the most inspiring women I have ever met. Strong, personable, and wise, with the voice of an angel, and, the patience of Job! WE as women are allowed to be down, get down, and feel sorry for ourselves. Hormones, our health, our lives, and just daily pressures or BOREDOM, can do this to us. I know I get down when I am Bored and impatient that LIFE is not doing what I want, and as fast as I want. AND there are things I want and I know I will never obtain, although I keep trying. It is, as you said, out of my control. BUT I want CONTROL Damn it! That is when I know I need to a few "ME" days, where to hell with everyone else. BUT I HAVE to look after me. I have a martini, at noon, if I want. NOT some thing I do often, I read, or spend the day buying books; I love the feel of new books! Not to mention what stories they might tell me between the covers! See some girlfriends for coffee or supper. I sleep in, and my family, as much as I love them, has to understand, that if they want me to be there for them, once and while, I need to do this. Families tend to forget that we are human, although we are the thread that holds the family together. Not that we mind, but we do need to reconnect with what is truly US!

    You just helped plan an awesome wedding for your daughter, that excitement is now gone. You are most likely coming back to earth from the euphoria that was the goal of a wonderful and beautiful day for your Daughter. You also have your mother to worry about, Michael without a Job, and just plain old house work. HUNNY you need a ME day!

    And yes you are blessed with an awesome husband, and beautiful and brilliant, talented children, but even still, we need to remember who we are.

    Please take care of yourself. AND Know I am there with you. I have hired a sitter for Nathan one day a week, with the stress in my life at the moment; I need me day weekly, until School Starts! I love my family, but I need to love me too.

    Do this, even if it is sitting by a lake and doing nothing, nothing at all.
    Love
    Sharon

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    1. Thank you for this, Sharon. You are right, of course, more ME time must be brought into my life. Hugs!

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  2. "I have amazing friends that I know would seriously contemplate giving up their life for me if the situation warranted it."

    It's good to see that you don't expect us to plunge headfirst, willy-nilly into dying for you, but to have a well-reasoned, thoughtful approach, should the situation warrant it.
    We would be happy to kill for you, thought. :)

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    1. LOLs... note I said my friends would seriously contemplate, I never said they actually would. ;) Nice to know that I have a posse of assassins if I ever need one.

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  3. May I also add, dear Pam, that a slight depression is normal after the "high gear" activity of preparing for Lindsey's wedding, and all the excitement and activity surrounding it. And now that things are back to normal, so to speak, the high energy situation is no longer there, and its lack is felt as some kind of depression. Makes sense to me.

    You ARE amazing and you DO lead a charmed life, one that many would (and probably do) envy. Society's yardstick of career and all the trappings is all wrong anyways - and we all know it... Don't ever ever think of judging your life by those standards. Yours is way beyond this!

    Blessings,
    Ghislaine

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    1. Thank you lovely!

      As someone that I greatly admire, I can take inspiration from your unconventional life. I guess I am feeling a change in the air and I need to entertain the possibilities for that change. HUGS!

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