Hard to believe that it has been almost a month since my last post, written almost on the eve of my daughter's wedding. Well the wedding was beautiful and everyone celebrated a "love that even time will lie down and be still for." Here are some pictures from the blessed event -
At the wedding my normally vibrant mother was in a wheelchair. She had been suffering with incredible pain in her right leg for a few weeks and had gone for blood tests, xrays, etc. The weekend after the wedding her pain was so debilitating that she headed to emergency to find out some answers or at least get some relief for her pain. Well after receiving bone scan results we discovered that she was suffering from the effects of Paget's Disease, a chronic bone disease. The disease had effected her hip and she is now on complete bed rest for six weeks to see if that will help her hip heal. If this is not effective in arresting the disease she will need to have her hip replaced. Paget's is actually a fairly rare bone disease that seems to be genetically passed on. We all have to get tested, my sisters and I especially, as we seem to be experiencing some symptoms of the disease in our own bodies.
Well for the past few days I had been feeling somewhat down, quite blue in fact. Yesterday seemed to be the culmination of my blue feelings. I felt like the weight of the world had landed on my chest and could just not shake my feelings. I tried to figure out what particularly was bothering me... I am a blessed person. I have the most amazing husband and family that anyone could ask for. I had a wonderful childhood and have sisters that I am blessed to be able to say are best friends. I have amazing friends that I know would seriously contemplate giving up their life for me if the situation warranted it. What could possibly be bothering me? My mother is getting care that she needs and is slowly recuperating. Even the looming Paget's diagnosis for myself was not seen as a bad thing as it would finally give me an answer to all of my various aches and loss of mobility in various bones, muscles, etc. So just what was "wrong" with me?
On our way out to visit a friend for his birthday celebration, I opened up to my husband, Michel. I told him just how down I was feeling, etc. I then proceeded to have a good cry. I felt like a terrible Stoic, breaking down under the weight that I was feeling. I then proceeded to think of things that I would like to change in my life... My weight, lack of motivation, opportunities for musical expression, etc. and realized that I can certainly make my best efforts to mitigate the circumstances. Even then all of the things that are important to me, most of these things are NOT in my control.
It is the societal pressure of success that was the underlying factor to my depression. Success as society sees it is the Career (note the capital C) and the Lifestyle. I am not successful in society's terms as I have no Career and cannot sustain the kind of Lifestyle that we are supposed to want in today's society. I am a woman, aspiring Stoic, wife, mother, lover, friend, mentor to some, spiritual adviser to others. All of these roles are WHO I am.
I am living my life as a voyage, a voyage to wonder. Like a sailboat there will need to be course corrections from time to time when the winds of society threaten to take me off of my course. Yesterday was a day of course evaluations and now to get back to some corrections to keep me steady as the wind blows. Destination: The second star to the right and straight on until morning!