When the Rain Falls

I have been telling myself for the past few days that I need to write in my blog so here I am again.

I have not posted much on my blog lately as I have wanted to keep details of my life that involved others off of my blog and I cannot do that if I actually write!  LOLs...

I have recently experienced a huge loss in my life, my mother, and have been processing that loss and I have been busy with dealing with that loss.  My mum was a wonderful mother and a lovely human being.  We had a few months to deal with the news that she was dying but at that moment when the news of her passing came it still came as a huge loss.  Her memorial service was a lovely celebration of all that she had been in life and all that she would continue to be in our recollections, photos and memories of her.  Going through the experience of my mother's illness and her death was a purifying experience, putting all of the mundane and minutiae into sharp contrast with what was important to me.  To focus on family, home and relationships with even more vigour, to fill my life with abundance and live every moment.  To squeeze every last drop out of the fruit of my life.

The study of Stoic philosophy and its practice in my daily life has made a huge difference in my coming to terms with her loss.  When I compare my reactions to the loss of my father before studying Stoicism, I am amazed by the contrast.  I know that death is a reality of life, we cannot have one without the other.  Although I will miss her awfully, I know that my mother has completed the cycle of life and lived her life and loved her family and friends fully.  I am encouraged to live my life even more every day by her example.  We who are left behind to remember her do well to honour her memory every day by living with joy and embracing the world with happiness and wonder.

I now move forward into the world as an orphan yet not alone.  I am surrounded by the love of those who came before and those who are yet still my companions in this life.  I will live more fully and more boldly, having a greater appreciation for each moment as it has been refined under the magnifying glass of terminal illness and death.  I move forward with the motto of Carpe Diem, to seize the day, to savour the moments before they slip away and are lost to the stream of time. To take each moment as a gift, each sunrise as a promise, each moonrise as a benediction, to live.

Oasis of Calm

IN short, then, remember this, that whatever external to your own choice you esteem, you destroy that choice. And not only power is external to it, but the being out of power too; not only business, but leisure too. — "Then, must I live in this tumult now?" — What do you call a tumult? — "A multitude of people." — And where is the hardship? Suppose it is the Olympic games. Think it a public assembly. There, too, some bawl out one thing, some do another; some push the rest. The baths are crowded. Yet who of us is not pleased with these assemblies, and doth not grieve to leave them? Do not be hard to please, and squeamish at what happens. "Vinegar is disagreeable (says one), for it is sour. Honey is disagreeable (says a second), for it disorders my constitution. I do not like vegetables, says a third. Thus, too (say others), I do not like retirement; it is a desert: I do not like a crowd; it is a tumult." — Why, if things are so disposed that you are to live alone, or with few, call this condition a repose, and make use of it as you ought. - EPICTETUS. DISCOURSES. Book iii. §2. ¶3

This passage was the reading on Words of the Ancient Wise for yesterday, January 16th.  As I was reading through it I was struck with how many times I am discontented and churlish because some aspect of the situation I am currently in "displeases" me.  I really can be a petty, hard minded individual at times.  I was reminded, upon reading the above passage, that I need to continue to strive to find contentment within myself.  To strive to not be buffeted by the winds of circumstance or the storms of change around me.  

In cultivating mindfulness within myself, I am creating a refuge and a safe harbour to offset the ravages of circumstance and the cacophony of sound that can often erupt around me.   This allows me to be present in the moment but not perturbed by the specific circumstances that might normally upset me and cause me to react in an immoral or vicious manner.  The Stoic practices of analysis (What is in my control versus what is not), hesitation (to take a momentary pause before reacting) and deliberation are the tools that I can use to help build a refuge, an oasis of calm within myself.

Life is like an Onion

WHEN you have shut your doors, and darkened your room, remember never to say that you are alone, for you are not; but God is within, and your genius is within; and what need have they of light to see what you are doing? To this God you likewise ought to swear such an oath as the soldiers do unto Caesar. For do they, in order to receive their pay, swear to prefer before all things the safety of Caesar; and will you not swear, who have received so many and so great favours, or if you have sworn, will you not stand to it? And what must you swear? Never to disobey, nor accuse, nor murmur at any of the things appointed by him, nor unwillingly to do or suffer anything necessary. Is this oath like the former? In the first, persons swear not to honour any other beyond Caesar; in the last, beyond all, to honour themselves. - EPICTETUS. DISCOURSES. Book i. §14. ¶1.

The quote above is today's Words of the Ancient Wise reading  (http://wordsoftheancientwise.blogspot.com/) for this morning.

"beyond all, to honour themselves"... Wow that is a huge principle to live up to. We often find it so much easier to live to an external set of rules or ideals. Stoicism takes it internal and makes us step up to the plate and live worthy of ourselves, worthy of that potential that lives inside of all of us, the Sage.

In our modern age we can just join a religion or group that will set out guidelines that we can live by.  We can adopt a lifestyle that is set on a predefined set of rules that will help us set goals and standards that we must live by, once adopted.  I have tried to find a "source" for a lifestyle many times in my life.  Each time it has been an experience that has left me feeling out of sync, a round peg trying to fit into a square hole.  This morning it hit me, by reading this passage, just what was wrong with all of those belief or lifestyle systems...  They were not able to go deep enough.  They did not bring me closer to a knowledge of Myself.  For me, these systems allowed me to put on a uniform of rules that made "ME" fit in, some even allowed "ME" to hide behind a mask.  These systems allowed me to hide and cloak myself in the guise of the perfect X (insert label here) so that I could focus on doing all of the prescribed actions that would show the outside world what I was.

In living the Stoic principles on a daily basis, actually actively practicing Stoicism as a living process, I am uncovering more of the inner "ME" rather than adding layers to the masks I have worn in the past.  In forcing myself to live up to the standard of authenticity; practicing mindfulness, reservation and hesitation, I am like an archaeologist or analyst digging past the layers to find the hidden ME, my best self and full potential.  This is the goal of the Sage, the work of the Stoic practitioner - to constantly be discovering themselves, to go deeper and further in to find a life of true contentment and joy.

I have set off on a journey full of wonder and enlightenment with many companions beside me.  Let's keep traveling together, encouraging one another and holding each other accountable when necessary.  Let's be to life like a bridegroom to his bride, full of joy and wonder.

Tyranny of the Urgent

O MORTALS, whither are you hurrying? What are you about? Why do you tumble up and down, wretches, like blind men? You are going a wrong way, and have forsaken the right. You seek prosperity and happiness in a wrong place, where it is not; nor do you give credit to another who shows you where it is. Why do you seek it without? It is not in body: if you do not believe me, look upon Myro, look upon Ofellius. It is not in wealth: if you do not believe me, look upon Croesus, look upon the rich of the present age, how full of lamentation their life is. It is not in power; for, otherwise, they who have been twice and thrice consuls must be happy, but they are not. - EPICTETUS. DISCOURSES. Book iii. §22. ¶3

 

 In my Stoic reading this morning we studied the above noted passage from Epictetus.  My Facebook comment was the following:

"The Tyranny of the urgent... our world moves at such a rapid pace. We fill our days in the pursuit of so many things that have no intrinsic value in the grand scheme of our lives. How many of us are ill from a lack of time spent in healthy pursuits? How many of us now reap the crop of the seeds that we planted in our past? Let us be ever mindful of our actions and the consequences that come from those actions. Let's take the time to care for our bodies, and to nurture our souls to the best of our abilities. To pursue those pursuits that are the "big rocks" in our lives and not to get bogged down by the daily minutiae. To live in the present without regret from the past or fear of the future. To live a flourishing life, filled with joy and steadfastness."

If you are not familiar with the parable of the "Pebbles, Sand and a Jar"  here is is, accredited appropriately to its author, philosopher and speaker Celia S. Hecht http://www.inlightimes.com/archives/2002/04/pebbles-sand-jar.htm

 As a wife, mother, daughter, sister, business owner, friend, all of the various roles that I have in this life, what are my big rocks?  The largest rock in my life would be my amazing husband, Michel Daw, my rock of Gibraltar.  My first rock is him to continue to nurture our relationship.  My next rock would be my children, to be able to make time to continue to see them and spend quality time together even though they are grownup with their own households and careers.  

The next big rock is my relationship with my mother who has been ill lately and is coming to the end of her life.  A huge priority in my life right now is to spend as much time as possible with her while she is still able to have conversations, to let her know, as always, that she is loved and has so much value to me.  To let her know that, no matter what adventure may await us after death, she will continue on in my memories of her.  I am focusing on enjoying sitting with her in quiet moments, looking at photographs, talking of the past, nesting with her in her illness.  Trying to squeeze as much juice out of the fruit of her life while she is still with us.

In focusing on spending time with my Mum, I then come to the big rock of my sisters.  They are the ones who are bearing the weight of caring for an aging parent.  I am the one who lives four hours away from my mother while they are all within a fifteen minute drive, one actually lives in the same home.  They are the ones who are struggling with the daily requirements while trying to balance their own big rocks of marriage, family and health.  It is important for me to take the time now to try to relieve some of their burdens, to continue to nurture my relationship with them.  To keep the lines of communication open so that they have someone to talk to when the darkness of illness begins to envelop their own lights.  To be an ear to vent to when everything just feels like it is too much to bear.

My next big rocks are smaller in size but are still big enough to need to go into the jar next.  My business and my friends. Working from home there is often the challenge of time bleeding away with the tyranny of the urgent.  I am starting to enforce the practice of setting "business hours" so that I can be more productive with my time and more focused when I am working.  My friends are the rock that is very hard to fit into the jar at the moment with the increased need to travel and visit my mother.  Many of our friends are also involved in the Stoic workshop sessions that we hold in our home on a monthly basis.  This means that they are wrapped into the bedrock in my life, Stoicism.  Stoicism is what my jar is made of, it is not glass, but made of fired obsidian, strong and having weight to it.

What does Stoicism bring to my life as a practice and what are the details that are encapsulated in that philosophy as my personal life philosophy?    

• living consciously  (planning with reservation, knowing that things can change with a moments notice) 

• stewardship  (my body is the only one that I get, my home, etc.)

• mindful of our planet (trying to live with as small a footprint as possible, conscious of our place in the universe)

• virtues (trying to live with the virtues as my guidepost, doing the right thing because it is the right thing)

• letting go (knowing what is in my control and what is not)

• relationship (my place in the world and the importance of those around me)

Now that my big rocks are covered I know that I have very little time for the minutiae that comes into my life.  I have lately found that some pursuits that I find less than fruitful have been pushing for prominence in my life at the expense of others.  Maybe this has been a coping mechanism for my mind to process the news of my mother's ill health and imminent passing?  I have not been living as consciously as I would like.  

What are some of the pursuits that I would like to minimize in my life?

• Facebook (while valuable for keeping up relationships with distant family/friends and fellow Stoic students, it needs to be kept to a minimum)

• Television (our television is already relegated to the basement, but, this has become much too prominent lately)

I am going to continue to work on achieving balance in my life, ensuring that my big rocks do not get crowded out by the facebook and the television sand.  To ensure that authenticity continues to be the main goal of my stay while visiting this planet.

 

 

Fine tuning the Signal

RECEIVE temporal blessings without ostentation, when they are sent; and thou shalt be able to part with them with all readiness and facility when they are taken from thee again.

MARCUS AURELIUS. MEDITATIONS. Book iii. 31

I am in the process of fine tuning my life. As I wrote yesterday in my blog, determining the Big Rocks, and crafting my life to make sure that those rocks get the majority of my attention. It is so much easier when you realize that "things" are borrowed and not possessed. They are on a temporary loan and once they have served their purpose they can be let go without pain or regret if we hold them as temporal and do not find our "value" in the possession of them.

The Fall and Winter are shaping up to be busy times. We have at least three Stoic Workshops a month, possibly four depending on the number of applicants for the Introduction session, and we have the seasonal celebrations and various other activities to support the community.  Included on that calendar must be visits with family, etc.  My work also must take a good portion of that calendar in order to meet my clients' requirements and do my part in paying the bills and keeping the household afloat.

I think going through the re-evaluation process in August is crucial to me remaining focused and productive through the Fall/Winter period.  I am going to go through my home one room at a time, determine it's function/purpose and declutter and ensure that what is in that room helps the room to function, etc.  I will blog each room as I go through this purpose.  Wish me luck!

No Pockets In A Shroud...

One of today's readings in our "Words of the Ancient Wise" blog was the following:

"THOSE things that are his own, and in his own power, he himself takes order for that they be good : and as for those that happen unto him, he believes them to be so. MARCUS AURELIUS. MEDITATIONS. Book iii. 4"

My comment based on this reading was:  " Instead of looking to the future, the acquisition of more, etc. let us look to that which we have now. Let's ensure that we are taking care of those things that are in our charge, i.e. our bodies, our family, our home, etc. We have enough in our lives to be stewards of without wishing for more and actively pursuing the acquisition of more. The one with the most toys at the end of the day most certainly is not the winner. I think the one with the ordered life, with well cared for loved ones, body and home is the absolute winner."

An ordered life, this is the proof of a Stoic's success.  Having honest relationships with family, closeness with spouses and children, friends like family, an ordered home in good repair, etc.    An ordered life....   As illustrated in Steven Covey's famous analogy of the jar of rocks, we need to constantly be assessing our lives to be sure our "big rocks" are put into our life jar first.  We often get distracted and the big rocks can get left out in order to fit more of the gravel and sand in.  Let's take a step back and do some reassessing, ensuring that none of our big rocks are left out of our jar.  What things are the most important to us?  What time do we need to devote to these things?  What time do we have left, if any, to fit in the smaller rocks, gravel and sand?  Do we have the room to add water as well?  

Our society tends to emphasize the pursuit of wealth and the trappings of wealth, toys, that this lifestyle can bring.  Anyone who has spent anytime pursuing these things knows that the emotional high that comes from these things is brief and extremely fleeting.  Often we are left with the toys as a reminder of how not to live our lives.  My father had a favourite saying when giving to charity or to people in need...  There are no pockets in a shroud... In other words when we leave this world we will take nothing with us... no money, no "toys", etc.  The only thing that we will leave behind is a legacy of love and memories and friendship.  These are the things that we should actively pursue and we often need to take the time to make some course corrections.  Like a sailing ship on a route, we often need to reassess and back track a little to ensure that the winds of life have not knocked us off of our course.  Our course is filled with the big rocks and yet we get bogged down in the sand bars amongst the gravel and minutiae of  living.

We tend to, especially in our modern day, lose sight of the big to medium rocks from time to time.  Our time becomes filled with social obligations, technology and busyness.  When we neglect the big rocks we begin to feel lost and empty.  Let's all of us take some time this August to do a personal inventory and ensure that we reorder our lives to allow for our big rocks first!

My big rocks are Self, Spouse, Children, Family and Close Friends.  The teaching of Stoic philosophy is also a big rock for me.  My home is a big rock as well.  Already this seems like a tall order and an insurmountable task.  I have found that time management programs and household management programs help me to ensure that I have the time to get the big rocks of my life taken care of.  If any of my readers are looking for tools to help them I would recommend the Getting Things Done system by David Allen and the FlyLady system (www.flylady.org) as effective tools to use on a daily basis.  

I am going to schedule time with my husband, Michel, to ensure that we have adjusted our routines and priorities to focus on our big rocks moving forward into the busyness of fall/winter.  Please feel free to message me if you are looking for any further info on tools, etc.  :)

 

Can I Have a "Do Over"?

So today is a rough day.  More car problems after having it break down while visiting my convalescing mother over the weekend.  We were delayed by a day, Michel missing a day of work, until we were able to get the car fixed.  Driving home last night, Michel saw the "check engine" light come on and stay on again. We were going to Oshawa this weekend but that has had to be cancelled due to the car "issues". 

On one hand it will be good to stay home and get some much needed work done around the house (lawns, organizing, etc.), on the other it is hard to let people down and also not get the opportunity to see my Mum this weekend.  Oh well, as we say "it is what it is".

Honestly, some times it feels like we need to do a "do over" or "rewrite" of our life in order to be able to accomplish what is important to us.  Oh well, time to get back to paid work for the day.  Catch you for my next post.

Addendum due to the need to clarify my post above:

When I talk about a "Do Over" I mean take a step back and do a reassessment of the road I am headed on right now... home owner, Empty-Nester, reduced income, health issues etc. Seems like my life today is totally different to last year at this time. Yet, I am still plodding on as if life is the same... just want to make sure that I consider all of my options and possibilities and don't feel that I am lock-stepped into just one way of living on a daily basis.   We have priorities that we want to accomplish and I just want to make sure that we are living in such a way as our priorities don't have to take a back seat to day to day demands due to our "lifestyle" etc.