Moving forward

Michel was transferred to a local rehabilitation hospital yesterday.  The move went smoothly and has was given a private room. The care seems to be at a much higher level than when he was in the Transitional Care unit.  I need to go into work today so I won't be able to be with him until I finish work today. It feels weird knowing that I won't see him this morning.

Michel has already met the two doctors who will be overseeing his time at the hospital, his physiotherapist and one of his occupational therapists. He already has four appointments weekly for physio with many more to come. This really is what he has been waiting for.  Now the work he has to do to get back as close to his old normal begins.

The good news, according to his rehabilitation doctor, is that his brain is relatively young and will use neuroplasticity to rewrite damaged pathways. It will "rewire" itself to get the signals through to his right side again. We just don't know how long it will take or how much movement he will gain back. The therapists will also work with him to learn how to do every day activities again so that he can do them for himself. The goal is to help him have a full and productive life moving forward.

Life gets Interesting

It's been awhile since I have posted on my blog. Recently I have been dealing with an interesting life event. While out for a family supper on Saturday May 4th, my husband, Michel, mentioned that he felt a bit weird and then said his hand felt funny. I was looking at him when I noticed his face start to droop.  I knew he was having a stroke. A call to 911 was instantly made and while waiting I slowly watched my husband lose control of the right side of his whole body.  EMS personnel quickly arrived, got him loaded into an ambulance, and we headed to the The Ottawa Hospital - Civic Campus.

The whole month of May was spent at Michel's bedside supporting him through the biggest fight he has yet fought in his life. He has gone from fighting for every breath, intubated in the ICU, to fighting his way back to get on his feet. Throughout it all Michel has maintained a warrior's attitude. He is fighting his way back but is also letting the final outcome of complete mobility go, understanding that this is out of his control.

We are hoping that the next phase of the fight will begin today with his transfer to Elizabeth Bruyere's rehabilitation facility. If this doesn't happen today it should happen tomorrow. Then, as Michel has said, his work really begins.

IF you should live 3000 years, or as many as 10,000, yet remember this, that man can part with no life properly save with that little part of life which he now lives: and that which he lives is no other than that which at every instant he parts with. That life then which is longest of duration, and that which is shortest, come both to one effect. For although in regard to the life which is already past there may be some inequality, yet that time which is now present and in being is equal for all men. And that being the only time which we part with when we die, it manifestly appears that it can be but a moment of time that we then part with. For as for that which is either past or to come, a man cannot be said properly to part with it. For how should a man part with that which he does not have?

EPICTETUS. DISCOURSES. Book iv. §9. ¶2

Today's reading from our Words blog was for December 28th and spoke to something that I have been wrestling with over the past year or more.  The death of my niece, Rachel, at 34 and the death of my niece, Kyra, at 25, greatly impacted me.  The holiday season just serves to be a constant reminder of those who are no longer walking with us in this life.  The short lifespan of these two lovely nieces, one due to complications from recurrent lung issues, and one through a battle with recurring depression, seemed to illustrate the fleeting nature and leave me with a sense of unfairness at the brevity of their life times.

Today's reading, quoted above, hit me with a realization that if, as Stoics, we live in the present moment, the now, we are all given the same amount of time to live.  If we let go of living in the past and living in the future but truly embrace the moment of time that is now, we all have the same moment to live fully.  Instead of living with regret, or living in a constant feverish sense of hope for the future, but live deeply in the now, we are truly and fully living.

Now is enough. Now is full of love, wonder and light and needs to be fully embraced and explored in all of its depths. Now if full of memory, promise and also wonder.

ANY of those things that trouble and straighten thee, it is in thy power to cut off, as wholly depending from mere conceit and opinion, and then thou shalt have room enough. - 
MARCUS AURELIUS. MEDITATIONS. Book ix. 3.

If we can control how we perceive troubles in our lives, we often find that they are not quite so troublesome. A change of outlook can often act like a virtual room cleansing of our spirit and attitude.

Life is what it is and there are circumstances that are beyond our control to stop but we can change our perception of them and find serenity.

Work has been extremely busy lately.  I have often been coming home and working into the evenings and also spending time on the weekends to try to "catch up".  It is easy to feel overcome and over run when life gets so busy, but, I find if I can take even 30 minutes to decompress, find a patch of sunshine or some bracing breeze, often like cobwebs being swept out of the house on a spring day, we can clear our mind.  I am blessed in that I love what I do and feel like I am making a difference in the world on a daily basis in my employment. 

It is my choice as to how and when I address each task/responsibility.  This is in my control.  Time to make a list of everything and prioritize my time!

Have a great day everyone!

Back at my Post

Recently I have been going through a lot of changes in my life.  Life has dealt some major cards and all at the same time.  I experienced recognition in my career, receiving a double promotion, and also received devastating news of loss and sadness.  My 25 year old niece, Kyra, had been found dead.  It looked like a suicide but there was no note or any explanation.

One of these changes, my promotion, was a result of the continued efforts and dedication that I had shown at work.  I was left to wonder if I had played any part in the sudden loss of Kyra, also.  I went through some of the inevitable questions that are left for the survivors of a loss like this.  Could I have done anything differently that might have changed this outcome?  I did have a difference to temper these thoughts though. My Stoic learning over the years kept telling me that the only one ultimately responsible for this act that ended such a bright light was Kyra, herself. 

I lived my life with Kyra as I live my life with everyone who is important to me, never leave them without them knowing how much you love them and that they matter.  I will never make sense or know exactly what happened in Kyra's mind to cause her to take this action, but I have no guilt over my relationship with her.  I will not allow the ending action of her life to take away all of the wonderful moments and memories that I have with her.  The present and future are now places that no longer have Kyra in them but the light of her memory will continue to shine.

VIII. ON THE PHILOSOPHER'S SECLUSION

 ”Hold fast, then, to this sound and wholesome rule of life – that you indulge the body only so far as is needful for good health. ... And reflect that nothing except the soul is worthy of wonder; for to the soul, if it be great, naught is great.” Seneca, Moral Letter to Lucilius, VIII

With this reading I am reminded of the concept of "self-care", that we should take care of ourselves in order to be able to care for others.  Over the years the habit of putting myself last has taken over, not a practice that was forced on me but one that came as a result of habit.  The years of mothering, working outside of the home and the "tyranny of the urgent and most strident need" have taken their toll on the good habit of self-care.

Even though I no longer have children home or even any pets demanding care, I still have to convince myself that it is okay to take time to pamper, or do anything for my own self-benefit.  I think this is not just a female affliction but is a side effect of anyone who has had to make others a priority over the years.  We have a list of to dos and priorities, and, more often than not, self-care is the principle that takes the largest hit.

Now that I am an "empty nester" I struggle with being able to take the time for self-care and constantly have to remind myself that I cannot give to my husband, family or employer if I don't take the time to nourish myself first.  Nourish, not only physically but also intellectually and spiritually, with taking time for reading, studying, listening to music and also relaxation.

In our society we are presented with two examples of the "good life", one is so lazily self-indulgent and the other one is so filled with business for others.  I need to find balance somewhere in the middle of both of these "good lives", nourishing my body but never neglecting to nourish my mind and soul with knowledge, wisdom and beauty.

On Crowds

"10 In order, however, that I may not today have learned exclusively for myself, I shall share with you three excellent sayings, of the same general purport, which have come to my attention. This letter will give you one of a The remark is addressed to the brutalized spectators. 15 them as payment of my debt; the other two you may accept as a contribution in advance. Democritusa says: “One man means as much to me as a multitude, and a multitude only as much as one man.” 11 The following also was nobly spoken by someone or other, for it is doubtful who the author was; they asked him what was the object of all this study applied to an art that would reach but very few. He replied: “I am content with few, content with one, content with none at all.” The third saying – and a noteworthy one, too – is by Epicurus, written to one of the partners of his studies: “I write this not for the many, but for you; each of us is enough of an audience for the other.” 12 Lay these words to heart, Lucilius, that you may scorn the pleasure which comes from the applause of the majority. Many men praise you; but have you any reason for being pleased with yourself, if you are a person whom the many can understand? Your good qualities should face inwards."Seneca, Moral Letters to Lucilius, V11: On Crowds

I write this not for the many, but for you; each of us is enough of an audience for the other.  I am struck with how much the exhibitions of Rome remind me of our modern society.  The pursuit of the latest and greatest TV show becomes the "sport of the day".  The need for crowds of people to be submerged in due to the fear of being alone with oneself.

After a day out in society I retreat to my oasis of calm, my home. I am somewhat lost for words this morning.  I will write some more this evening when I return back to my oasis.  I am reminded of yesterday's reading, the need to share joy, wisdom, etc. and I am reminded of the need for balance.  I must balance both of these letters and see what meaning I derive from them.

I am back in my pleasant living room and I think I have wrestled the two of these letters beside each other.  Once again I am left with balance, balance is the key in all things.  I will continue to teach what I have learned, write in my blog and offer workshops when the opportunity arises.  I will try to ensure that I only choose the best sorts of past times, avoiding the crass and violent that is prevalent in our society.