On Weddings and Celebrations

Today I am deeply involved in last minute preparations for my daughter's upcoming wedding.  Her wedding is going to be held at one of our local Unitarian Universalist congregations, filled with poetry, devotion, music and reason.  A decidedly spiritual service with a naturalistic humanist outlook.  I was sent the text of the service yesterday in order to facilitate the creation of wedding programs and I was struck with the beauty, sincerity and genuine spirituality that was found in the words of the bridal couples vows, readings and ceremonies.

I was overcome with a sense of awe at the unique and spiritual person my daughter has become since her early days of sitting on my knee.  She is a beautiful and vibrant woman who lights up a room whenever it is graced with her presence.  I am also blessed to say that she is one of my closest friends, a confidant and someone I can count on to cheer me when days seem bleak.

From the start this wedding was meant to be something that expressed the bride and groom's loves and their sense of family and purpose.  Although we are working on a budget, an even smaller one than originally planned due to the unexpected lay off of my husband last October, we have paid attention to small details that should make the difference in making unity and family the focus of the upcoming nuptials.

I am proud to be sending such an amazing woman off into the world to spread her wings!  All of my children are amazing individuals that I am happy to count as three of my best friends, the best being my husband, Michel.  How blessed am I in this life to have such wonderful people in it.  :)

Today's Stoic reading was a passage from Epictetus...  "

HE is free who lives as he likes; who is not subject either to compulsion, to restraint, or to violence; whose pursuits are unhindered, his desires successful, his aversions unincurred. Who, then, would wish to lead a wrong course of life? — "No one." Who would live deceived, prone to mistake, unjust, dissolute, discontented, dejected? — "No one." No wicked man, then, lives as he likes; therefore neither is he free. And who would live in sorrow, fear, envy, pity; with disappointed desires, and incurred aversions? — "No one." Do we then find any of the wicked exempt from sorrow, fear, disappointed desires, incurred aversions?—"Not one." Consequently, then, not free. -
EPICTETUS. DISCOURSES. Book iv. §1, ¶1"

 My response to this passage was "To live purposefully and with gratitude for all that we have in life. Therein lies the path to true freedom."

Freedom, such an interesting word which can mean so many different things to different people.  Freedom to worship in whatever manner we see fit and whatever deities we revere.  Freedom to get an education.  Freedom to live a purposeful life.  In our western industrial world we have so many freedoms that others in the world can only dream of having.  Not many of us are falsely imprisoned or held in abject poverty with no chance of escape through self-improvement, education or just good old fashioned hard work.  We live in a country that is full of possibilities if we are willing to take chances, step out of our comfort zones and work hard for a dream.  We are the lucky ones as the only things that hold us back from achieving our dreams are our decisions or lack of them.  We enslave ourselves with our inability to strive for more.  We enslave ourselves when we become chained down by debt or responsibilities that we did not think about the consequences of incurring at the moment that we signed the bottom line.

We can be free if we can reach forward towards our dreams.  We can be free if we practice the principle of gratitude on a daily basis.  We may not live in a dream condo or a mansion in Rockcliffe Park but we have a roof over our head, a lawn to mow and  a comfortable bed to sleep in at night.  Gratitude for all the blessings that we have, that is the way to contentment.  To live each day with a purpose instead of aimlessly drifting through one moment to the next.  To walk forward with gratitude and purpose in every step.

 

In my Stoic readings this morning I was struck with a passage from Epictetus' writings...  "THE man who is unrestrained, who hath all things in his power as he wills, is free; but he who may be restrained, or compelled, or hindered, or thrown into any condition against his will, is a slave. "And who is unrestrained?" — He that desires none of those things that belong to others. "And what are those things which belong to others?" — Those which are not in our own power, either to have or not to have. - EPICTETUS. DISCOURSES. Book iv. §1, ¶14."

In my response to this passage I wrote...  "When I set my sights on my "neighbour's stuff" I actually voluntarily give away my freedom. I am now constrained by my desire to have the thing that my neighbour has or to work towards acquiring an equivalent to what they have. I enslave myself to the need to devote resources, time, ambition, etc. in the acquisition of said "prize".

If I can be content with what I have and what the universe gives me, I can acquire freedom from the constant need to acquire new and better things, the plague of Affluenza that is infesting our planet on a daily basis.

To be content with what I have, be thankful and mindful of the blessings in my life, to practice gratitude and be at peace, that should be my goal in this life. This goal is ever present and I need to be ever vigilant in my pursuit of this goal.

Whether it be the pursuit of things or of someone else's "vision", "path" or "purpose", we lose sight of our own purpose when we try to conform our individual life to the shape of someone's lifestyle. We lose our own light when we attempt to live in another's shadow."

My last sentence struck me as exactly what happens in so many lives and in my own as well.  We dim our own individual lights, the gift that we are to the Universe, when we live in other people's shadows.  I think this process probably starts at an extremely young age.  The first time we see a sibling or relative that has a talent for something, or owns something, and we set our sights on having it.  We begin to warp our own identities, our own special individuality, into something that can "have" that quality or item that we have set our sights on desiring.  This continues through school and into high-school where the "peer pressure" becomes an almost palpable thing.  A festering monster that stalks the hallways of high-schools around the globe with its siren call to conformity and the "good life".  

The monster of conformity and comparison continues to plague us through our early adult life, the post secondary school choices, the career choices, the debt choices (often incurred to fuel our need for what others have), the purchases at the behest of the advertising machine.  We are slowly remade and warped into an image of what we desire.  We are plagued and beset by our desires in our lifestyle choices, often overworked, in debt and a prisoner to the Affluenza that infests our planet.

People throughout the centuries have fought to combat conformity and this overwhelming grasping desire to have what others have and live the lives that others live.  These people have been a dim light in an otherwise dark world of whatifs and wants.  The small house movement, the minimalist movement, the 4 hour work week, etc. are all examples of modern day attempts to break away from the shadow of society.  These are movements that encourage living outside of the box of normality, to be modern day Thoreaus and retreat to our own personal Walden of debt-free, "stuff" free living.

I know that I am going to personally examine my life to see what I am holding on to.  What in my life, whether it be ideals, "stuff" or the need to belong/conform, is causing my own Light to be extinguished... to find the purpose that I was born for.  To become a fully self-actualized ME and to let my light shine out like a lighthouse on a hill breaking forth through the darkness of society.  A beacon of hope for others who also seek to find a higher wattage for their own personal lights.  

I will not allow myself to continue to extinguish my own light while living in the shadows of someonelse's idea of the "ideal life".   Perhaps by my own venturing forth I can be an example of how to shed some of the layers of darkness.  When I break forth and shine I can be an example of "how" to accomplish this for my fellow travelers in this life.   Stay tuned to this channel for more blogging and thoughts from a Stoic woman in pursuit of her own personal Light.

Be Strong and Courageous

It has been quite awhile since I have written in this blog.  My apologies to anyone who may have been reading...

Life has been slow lately.  We have been in a holding pattern almost waiting for life to move forward again.  Late afternoon Thursday, we found out that a move forward scheduled for next week is once again temporarily on hold.  I have been wrestling with how to handle this news.  Trying to be supportive to the person who is directly affected by this news and yet reeling from the effect that it has on my own life.  Even if I am only in the periphery of the effects.  I guess my challenge is to try to manage the unknown and the unsure landscape.  It is a real exercise in trust...  Trust in a Universe that seems so large and impersonal at times.  Can it be small enough to hear me?  That is the ageless endless question.

I am reminded of a beautiful soul-searching song written by an LDS (latterday Saint) singer, Mindy Gledhill, "Small Enough".  Here are the words (caveat:  written from a very Christian point of view):

"Oh, Great God, be small enough to hear me now.
There were times when I was crying from the dark of Daniel's den;
And I have asked you once or twice if You would part the sea again.
But tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky.
Just want to know you're gonna hold me if I start to cry.
Oh great God, be small enough to hear me now.

Oh great God, be close enough to feel You now.
There have been moments when I could not face Goliath on my own.
And how could I forget we've march around our share of Jerichos.
But I will not be setting out a fleece for You tonight.
Just want to know that everything will be alright.
Oh, great God, be close enough to feel You now.

All praise and all the honor be;
To the God of ancient mysteries.
Whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history.
But tonight my heart is heavy,
And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer.
Are You there?

And I know You could leave writing on the wall that's just for me.
Or send wisdom while I'm sleeping, like in Solomon's sweet dreams.
But I don't need the strength of Samson or a chariot in the end...
Just Want to know that You still know how many hairs are on my head.
Oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now"

In this  vast cosmos is there hope for the hopeless, rest for the restless?  I once thought I knew the answers to these questions.  I guess it is time to start asking again, time to find my answers again.

Trials and Tribulations

Today I am writing a "free form" blog post as it isn't based on our Stoic reading for the day.  A close friend of mine has been dealing with a chronic illness that she was diagnosed with last year.  She has become a voice for the chronically ill, writing a blog to help make people aware and to make people aware of symptoms and complications of the disease.  In taking on her role as "a voice of the chronically ill" some people see her as whining on Facebook, being a depressing read, etc.  Unfortunately, she has lost friends because of it.  People that she thought were close and good friends.  They don't want to hear about her struggles, challenges or illness on a daily basis.  It makes them uncomfortable and they don't want to be reminded that life is not always comfortable.

I responded to her blog and wrote a somewhat naked response, talking about my own health issues and thanking her for speaking out and making it "okay" to not be "normal", making it okay to let people know what we are really struggling with.

As a Stoic how does that effect how I deal with my "disability"?  *I was born with a congenital malformation of my right side.  It is a genetic defect which means I have no inner ear, canal, etc. and have only a bone piece and an ear lobe where my ear should be.  This has also caused my jaw to be malformed, etc. causing severe TMJ and painful headaches.  I am hearing impaired due to this deformity which I barely acknowledged until I hit my 30s.*  Being a Stoic has allowed me to acknowledge my challenges, allow myself my idiosyncrasies, realize that sometimes my hearing loss causes me to react differently, sometimes I read lips and body language to fill in the gaps of my understanding, a lot of the time this "filling in the gaps" causes misunderstandings and hurt feelings on my part.  Studying Stoicism has allowed me to recognize my universe is the way it is.  If I cannot hear someone I need to let them know, ask them to repeat themselves, rather than filling in the blanks and opening the door to the possibility of misunderstandings and injury.  It is okay that I want to craft a life with as little stress as possible.  To live according to nature is the primary Stoic principle and my nature is part of that principle.  To avoid loud, noisy environments, to ask people to repeat what I have not heard, to craft my life into a life that is beautiful for me.

We all need to face our reality and craft a life in which we flourish.  A life in which we put our individual gifts in the sunlight, out from the shadows of what we feel society wishes, and face the light of day with strength and courage.  Our "normal" doesn't have to be everyone else's "normal", to accept ourselves for who we are and allow ourselves to grow and shine.  LOVE ourselves, truly and deeply, as the gift to the Universe that we all are. 

In accepting ourselves fully we also need to accept others fully.  Nurture others and help them become the unique individual gifts to the Universe that we all are.  Nurture a community in which people can be themselves, giving them opportunities to grow in ways that are appropriate to their challenges in this life, a place of discipline with love and understanding.  I hope to create an Intentional Community in a world that is increasingly isolationist; ostracizing those who do not conform to the definition of "normal" that society at large has decided.

Little is Needed

Always remember that very little is needed for living a happy life.

Marcus Aurelius' Meditations, book vii, sec. 67

I read this quote this morning and was humbled.  My daughter is getting married early June and only yesterday I was figuring out all the things I want changed in my home before the visiting for the wedding begins.  I was going off the rails ready to make lists and sink down into madness and a scurry of activity for this one weekend.  Wow, this reminder above has put the brakes on that craziness.  Yes I have things that need to be done in our 1960's raised ranch bungalow but I can use discretion and weigh what is necessary against the need to impress others.  


My kitchen needs some reorganization and repairs to make it function well.  The floor needs updating and the paint needs refreshing .  Our downstairs bathroom does need gutting due to some water damage but we can do that within budget and have a modest functioning bathroom.  Our bathroom upstairs need painting and new towel bars... trim needs to be finished in the living room from installing the laminate flooring and the laminate needs to be finished in the entry way closet.

None of this list includes knocking down walls or remodeling the world in order to impress for one day.

More importantly I want to order seeds for the spring and plan my garden so that I will be harvesting our food and living closer to nature this summer.  It really is all about focus and priorities, realizing that enough is good enough.  

Crafting our Future

Today's "Words of the Ancient Wise" post was from Epictetus...

This is education, to learn to wish that things should happen as they do. - Epictetus' Discourses, book i, chap, xii, sec. 15

My personal response to this was:  "If we can learn to be content with what we have, to realize that life is what it must be, we will live a peaceful life. Every decision we have made has contributed to the present life that we are living. Rather than wishing to change the past and the present lets be conscious of our choices so that we craft our future."

I want to craft my future... what a wonderful turn of phrase I have stumbled upon.  I am not just living, surviving the day to day...  I am crafting my future.  It fills me with a sense of wonder, awe and gleeful anticipation of what the future holds.  I am like Pocahontas, peeking with hope around the next river bend, seeking a glimpse into the near future to what treasures lie waiting for me to discover.  The present is a perfect result of my past and my decisions.  I need to rest peacefully with my present and look with anticipation at the future, crafting it with conscious choices and "right" living.  Sowing seeds that will mature into the type of crop I want in my life and yet leaving the results to the Universe knowing that I have sown with forethought and the best of intentions.

What do I want for my future?  I want simple things...  I am going to sow simple seeds of love, thoughtfulness, kindness, self-control, healthy eating, moderation and look forward with anticipation for the simple yet beautiful flowers of my life that will unfurl from my mindful planting.